Transition Time

Well, I've been living with Stage 4 cancer now for about 4 months. It's a low-aggression breast cancer that has set up household in my pelvic and pubic bones. The lymph node full of cancer in my chest wall was removed in December. I was feeling like crap but since changing my diet and taking supplements, I'm feeling rather good now. I need to start exercising but am finding it hard to get started.

They also took out my ovaries in November, and menopause is now in full swing. The worst thing about menopause is mood swings and depression. I get fixated on what's going on with my kiddos, much to their chagrin. I'm working with a therapist to stop doing that, and start finding myself instead. I've taken care of my kids and their issues for so long that it's proving difficult for me to find myself after all of that time.

So I got the expected question from the therapist, what do I love. What do I love? I love my family - but that needs to be less of a focus now, so I am told. I love animals. We have 2 elderly dogs that are currently a huge hassle and keep me stuck at home caring for them, so I can't travel (travel is another love of mine). I won't be having any more animals for awhile so that love is not an option. I also like mosaics. I can't seem to find a local class on this art, so I may just go pick up a kit and start working on it myself. The problem is that my job can be sort of isolated (lots of time on the computer), so working on a craft by myself is not ideal. I would like to have some company; someone who won't only talk and tell me all of their troubles, but someone who will allow give and take in a conversation. I need connection and to be heard without much judgment. Much that comes out of my mouth right now is driven by emotion and not exactly the most logical of thinking. I know it's messed up - but I need to release it and call it by its proper name, so I can then work on moving it out of my life.

So I am looking at going to work today and then trying to figure out how I will fill my time in the evening so that I don't annoy my kids or exasperate my poor husband with my moods. I think I'll dust off the Zumba DVDs that I bought and give that a try. Then I might Ebay a few things to start clearing out the office in preparation for removal of the popcorn ceiling. This house is a disaster and I would love to work on redecorating it, but it's impossible with the crap carpet and undone ceilings, and the whole house is in bad need of painting. (This is sounding more like work than things I love, which is why I think I avoid it). I'll try to come up with a list of things that are good for me and that I can enjoy on some level too. It's just not as easy as it sounds.